In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
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The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Spring cleaning checklist…
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I put the p in pants.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close