Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
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I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I’m giving up for Lent.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.