Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
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I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”