*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
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Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Spotted in New Orleans.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.