I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Has science gone too far?
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
This might be me.
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My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?