Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
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I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
when you are just born a rebel
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.