don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
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*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?