me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
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The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
This raises questions
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman