No regrets in 2018
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[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.