“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
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“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
2022 be like
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice