Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
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In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue