ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
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James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Meat Cute
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.