Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”