Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
You Might Also Like
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.