I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
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[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what