Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
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Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
The best shot in the history of golf
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11