Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
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Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?