I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
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Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up