Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
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Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
When I laugh on my period
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.