Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind