I’m just playing devils avocado here
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I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
work smarter, not harder
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.