Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
can’t believe I got front row seats
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that