Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.