You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
You Might Also Like
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?