me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
You Might Also Like
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.