I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
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One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
necessity is the mother of invention
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.