its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.