*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
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[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.