Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
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DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito