I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
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I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”