Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
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Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail