Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
You Might Also Like
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
You sure about that?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”