I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
#SaturdayBears
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.