[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
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Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then