sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
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ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
gm
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
A game married people play.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.