I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
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Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.