[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
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Now, where’s the sport in that?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Omg 🤣
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.