At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
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interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
dutch so unserious
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.