After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.