Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
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My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.