Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
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Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.