Roses are red
Violets are blue
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EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
waiting for halloween be like:
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
We’ve all been there
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
BaD BoY!!
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?