Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
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[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Netflix: We have Less
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
You saw nothing. I am ham.