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Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Very good! 👍😂
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*