Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
You Might Also Like
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.