I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars