Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar