My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
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curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
me 2 months after i graduated
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg