Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
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Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.