I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
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Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.